Perplexed !!!!!!!

I often tell myself that "I need sometime for myself." I love solitude. I am often tempted to go back to my school days when for the very first time, I was introduced to this concept of the bliss of solitude by the greatest poet William wordsworth. From that time, may be in my Fifth standard, I have been enjoying my loneliness. My mind is extremely peaceful when I am alone and I tend to have a lot of conversation with my spirit inside.

In most of the conversations, or at times even confrontations I often lose to the logical and valid points put forth by my spirit(Conscience). This is one of the strong reasons to name this blog "Battlefield of the mind" ofcourse with a typo error :P

I am a man of very strong emotions and I lead my life based on the ideological beliefs that I hold very close to my heart. Often, this leads to the clash with many and I tend to resolve this through peaceful dialogue.

However, I have not been able to do justice to myself, both my spirit and my outer spirit. The underlying presumption is that there is a perfect resonance between all my senses. However, I am very big flop show while it comes to deliver things. A fren of mind calls me a man with a very high level of resilience. While I am glad about this level of resilience I am also concerned about my goof ups that just leaves me a resilient person and not a result oriented person.

Freedom from Bondage :)

There is an overwhelming sense of calmness now in my mind. My life is going to see brighter light in the days ahead. Why? Right now am burdened by several ongoing issues that has put a blockade to my creativity and spontaneity of thought. All these institutional structures have crippled my thoughts. But, its now time for me to change radically.

My external world is no longer gonna dictate terms to my mind or control my life. I have graduated from the stage of infancy(lost to the whims and fancies of this petty world) to the stage of maturity - To realize the truest meaning of life. I tend to see life more metaphysically though I end up appraising physically.

There are going to be new definitions of happiness in my life. Happiness that cannot be measured by human measures. My bonds with the crazy dictators of life are over. I am gonna taste freedom. Freedom from everything that I wanted to. I am going to be a free bird and going to explore all the horizons of life. Marks or Jobs or nothing is going to matter going forward.

Contemplations :)

One night I was rolling on the bed as the sleep fairy did not show her face to me. I was driven into a world of thoughts. I contemplated on so much that the 4 terabyte memory of my brain could not capture. Life has taught so many lessons over the years and yet the learning curve's slope is ever increasing and there is no plateau at all in the learning phase of life. Its an interesting debate if I should call this a phase as its not a short period but still I would call it a phase as there is something good always awaiting.

There have been times when I felt total deprivation of everything in my life. At times, on the contrary I feel that I have been blessed with so many beautiful wonders in my life. These wonders decorate my life. There is always a soul deep inside that consoles me to over come my day to day problems.

But One thing that I always miss the warmth of motherly touch. I tend to think metaphysical about the missing privilege of having a mother. But, my mind often consoles itself with this "God and Mother cannot be everywhere, so there are friends to comfort you". This is the driving slogan of my life. My frens have redefined my life and the way I live. They are the reason for a smile on my face.

Nature ??????????

There are a lot of unanswered questions that keep lingering in my mind. Its time to take a bold step to get them answered. I strongly believe in the way the nature works and I am a champion of the nature's justice School of thought. But, seldom nature believes me in the way I believe it.

I have been trying hard for almost the past one and half years to add a new element to my life. Nature has been dodging me like a mad nomad. Is it because of my overrated belief in Nature? Is it wrong to place my belief in the mother of all creation - "The Nature." I am just not able to digest this fact that nature is not a good friend of mine.

A new phase in life :)

I have a lot to write about this new place. This place is filled with full of life and energy. The people I live here with are the same ones whom I earlier lived with, at the hostel. However, there is a renewed spirit of freedom and our lives are rejuvenated. There is a tremendous amount of planning that has gone into this new home. The home is still at its infancy stages of witnessing the usual affairs that happens in my home, like the one, when I was in Hyderabad. But, its time for me to move on and stop brood over the glorious past. I need to relive my hyd life at Bangalore too. Thats the immediate challenge that lies ahead of me. I can’t ask for more understanding people than these four who reside with me in this place. Btw, its time to name this home. I can think of several names but due to the composite crowd in the home, I would prefer naming the place with a secular name though the foundation of this home is My Lord. I am trying to be more sensitive to all the inmates of this wonderful place to redefine the way bachelors lead their lives. I am often told that bachelors lead a life of misery. In one of the novels that I read, its even called a “Bachelor’s Den” and one of my good friend calls a bachelor’s home as a “pig’s sty”. People, take a min now! Its time for you guys to rethink how bachelors would maintain their home. Our place is gonna be the most ideal place to dwell in that even a family cannot afford to maintain.

As usual, my planning for the house started with the charter that laid the generally acceptable rules and regulations for the conduct of the home. Its a place not just made of bricks and stones, but with lives, meaningful relationships, pain, pleasure, anger, all types of emotions, growth, downfall, learning, love and the like. Its a harmonious blend of all the above that make this place a unique place to dwell. I must take a minute to give all my readers a brief intro about the inmates.

Kennedy :

The eldest of the lot and the most mature human being whom I have ever met in my life till date. There is a lot of energy in him and he has an undying passion to learn a lot of new things and fuel up his senses. He is an amazing marketing brain who has to his credit, a rich work ex of 4 years in Sales and Marketing. He looks at things in a very different and unconventional manner though I disagree with him on several issues. But nevertheless, healthy argument and debate is the building block of knowledge. Its by disagreeing, one learns to learn new things contrary to our belief and know how’s. He is very instrumental in the making of this place from a house to a home. His balanced nature and mature handling of relationships deserves a special mention here. He is very valuable person whom one should never miss to have interacted on any basis be it a fren/colleague/classmate and the like. Look forward to learn more and more things from him in the wonderful future that is waiting to embrace all of us. His decision making skills are so wonderful that he could not make a bad decision so easily. A quality to be appreciated.

Jeanne:

Jeanne is a wonderful person and a personality to be with. He is very inquisitive by nature and is sternly eager to learn new things from everywhere. Where? When? How? Why? What? Are the right questions that one should ask if he/she wants to grow. He has imbibed these in his psyche very well that he comes up questions for any and everything happens at home or around us. All his questions are very constructive and makes the listener to think critically. A man who is fuelled with passions for power and social concern, who is very concerned about his friends. I can vouch for one fact, that you can bank on him whatever come may or what happen could happen. This means even a very unfavourable situation in life, he will still be by your side for you and with you. This commands tonnes of respect. A person who never gives up so fast, tries till the last bit to deliver his best. I have had several discussions on a range of topics from religion to life, marriage, social problems, management thoughts, smoking/drinking and the like. A man who comes up with his own philosophy to define life and one who never hurts, is man who can make a difference in anyone’s life very positively.

There are two more inmates about whom I am yet to write. C u al in the next entry. :)

The Reality called "FATE"

My life is as usual filled with uncertainties and pressures. I am free bird who wants to cherish freedom at its superlative. I am now being caged and not given a free expression of my will. My originality is being lost in this fateful process. There is huge cognitive dissonance that I am going through in life. I hate everything around me. Life is very gloomy and constantly threatening me to quit my usual life and become a freeman or nomad and explore the world to understand my life's meaning. My sixth sense urges me to expand my horizons beyond this material world and I am set to launch a soul searching journey.

The concept of success and material aspirations are no longer interesting me. That does not mean I am gonna become a sage or sanyasi :P. I am in a never ending search for the meaning of life and its attributes. I am not able to see the world others see. I need to do something to this world around but I am not able to do anything. I want to bring a change in some one's life constructively before I die, but this world is not letting me to pursue the desires of my heart.

Melancholia :( - A Walking Zombie......

My heart beats stopped long long ago atleast 2 years ago. I was battling against all odds to win a coveted posession to make my life more meaningful or rather redefine my definition of life. The hurdles that I came across in this journey is too much that my heart aches every second even now. There were several influential people in life before the advent of this unique human being who had such a tremendous impact in my life. She is such a sweet heart that my heart was never able to express my fullest feelings to her at any point in my life. My only motto was to love her all the more than I used to love her the last second I spent in my life. 

I always see life on a more philosophical note rather than being super tradition in approaching life. My heart was in a constant search from the time of my birth to find out the reason of my existence. I was not poised in a very healthy situation all my life. It had several hardships and incredible level of deprivations. First, unfortunately, My mom was killed by an accident when I was 2 yrs old. This was followed by lots of traumatic events in my family. My only strength all in my life was my God - Jesus :)

Rest to be continued :)

You Fill up my Senses :)

My favorite Love anthem is the one of John Denver viz 'The Annie's Song.' The most spirited lines of love and the pleasure of heart's emotions. Its a song beyond comparision with any other song. God bless John for his dedication to love. The concept of love though multifarious, as far as I know, this song is only about a man's love for a woman, who is very close to his heart.

Such a passionate song sung for a love of someone's life, the song lives in many people's heart who are in every corner of this world, eternally in love with this song as this song helps live them share the emotions about their loved ones in a very metaphysical way.

I am no exemption. The minute this song is played, a silence of magnitude unknown and immeasureable develops in my heart and soul. My spirits leave my body and transition into another world around me, my world of dreams about my heart's pleasure who is so close to me yet so far away me :)

I dance with her all through out day and night with this song in the back ground. A deep sense of belonging to her engulfs me, my mind tends to think beyond her, my senses urge to love her every second more than I loved her the last second, asks me cook for her and serve it to her, ask me to thank God every min for showing her to me.

Echoes of my emotions - leaving Google :(

Hi,

Hope you are doing well. I am writing this email to inform you all that today will be my last official day at Google. I was bitten by the MBA(HR) bug since my college days and I can't ask for any time better than now to do it. I will be joining St Joseph's College of Business Administration, Bangalore to do my course. While my mind is ever energetic as always to learn newer things and passionate about my new phase in the journey of my life, my heart is very weak as its stumbling down not able to control the emotions that come when I bid Good bye to my friends at Google. Friends at Google were the best people I can ever ask for in my life in many ways than one. My friendship with you guys initially started more on a work related context and then gradually surpassed many horizons and facets of life. At this stage, friendship has become an integral part of my life and inseparable as they are not two different entities. You guys were a bliss redefined and always provide me with more reasons than one to bring a smile on my face.

I have imbibed several learning lessons from you guys like being more industrious, passionate, adventurous, gutsy, desire to learn new things, sense of humor, public speaking skills, mentorship, crisis/anger management so on and this list is never ending. A very simple fact that I learnt all the above mentioned qualities from my interaction and the time I spent with you guys, has a great value addition in my life. You guys were able to bring a change in me by kindling the fire in me to learn new things from you all. An example to be emulated has been set by you all which is a thing of great pride.

Gratitude is a word that I like the most in English. The meaning of the word when used comes with several strings attached to it and the very word carries not just the meaning established by the language and dictionary, but it carries the emotions of the person who uses the word to convey his heart filled thanks to each and every one who made a difference in his/her life. I do not find a word that is no where even close to what I feel/think when I take a step to thank you guys for all that you had been in my life. I fail miserably not able to thank you as there is no word that could qualify/quantify my feelings of gratitude. But, nevertheless, I thank you all from the deepest pore of my heart.

I know you are all here with a purpose and a passion to follow in future. Be committed to excellence in all that you handle and take up in life. Follow what your heart says and guides you. My favorite quote of Paulo Coelho, When you want something, the whole Universe conspires to help you realise your desire. I am sure you will come out with flying colors in our current job at Google and also future studies/career if you are passionate about what you really want to do in life.

What 2009 has to offer?

its unfortunate to have the first post of 2009 on a very sad note. I am getting crushed by the pressures of my mind. Life is getting all the more mysterious and no reasons to smile. I am playing a big gamble with my life and I do not know the price I am going to pay for this. There are tonnes and tonnes of unanswered questions that need immediate answers or rather in Google way, solutions.

My feelings are getting crushed every day, every minute, every second. Life is getting harder and am not able to comprehend what is happening around me and in me. I am trying to take a long break to escape from this trauma that is haunting me but I do not find a place of retreat.

I believe in creation and therefore, I believe in GOD. I strongly believe that all my pains will one day be healed by my God who loves me more than anyone else on this earth. My wisdom is diminishing and I am emotionally unstable. Criticisms around me are ever increasing. My spirit is reeling under the tremendous pressure caused by problems both self imposed and imposed by others.

Where will I go? What will I do? Who will rescue me? Who will bring a smile on my face? When will all this pain get rid of me?